Haddie

Haddie

First off, you should know your father is an idiot

In the same way a person who has never found love, but loves to give love advice is an idiot

In the same way politicians giving out new rules to live by but haven’t lived a real life themselves are idiots

In the same way people who believe in anything to be true without doing their own critical thinking are idiots

What I’m saying is that this is new to me too

And if it seems as if I’m relying on the Disney channel to teach you along the way it’s because... I mean... it helps.

When I was younger I didn’t understand why my parents used to answer my questions with “because” 

But now when you look at me with those wondering eyes, I have to settle for the failures of previous generations, because I’m an idiot

Haddie, I’m sorry my mouth doesn’t understand how to teach you balance

That’s why parents have training wheels

But don’t think it’s lack of trying on my part

On the inside is an intricate web of information and my internal paintbrush is creating a masterpiece of understanding

But on the outside, I say things like... “Just do what I ask, please.”

I understand that I could do better but the brick wall between my knowledge and your understanding is mortared with good intentions but bad vocalization

I don’t speak like a three year old because I am an idiot

But I’m so proud of you

Darling you don’t understand just how my heart cried tears of joy the first time you pulled yourself up to a standing position with the coffee table

Or the first time you came flying out of the bathroom so proud of yourself for using the potty on your own

I don’t know why my first reaction was a mixture of “Great job baby!” And “Did you wipe? Now I have to change you...” I’m such an idiot. 

Or when you learned to touch my face with your tiny perfect hand and say “It’s okay daddy.” 

You recognize my sadness before I do sometimes

I really should learn to hide better when you count to ten

I’m starting to believe that when I ask you to hold my hand in public, it’s just as much about my safety as yours

I feel comfort in that tiny hand
I hope you remember the first time you climbed to the top of the couch, threw your hands up, and exclaimed "I'm the king of the world!"
I don't know where you learned that, but my nose burned of Mountain Dew that day.

Haddie you’ve taught me so much about how to be a father that my training wheels are starting to come off

And by the time you’ve grown into a woman I promise you this:

I will learn to balance on my own

I love you, baby girl.